every now and then i am reminded that things shouldn't be like this

This morning I found out I owe my dentist $1200. This is, arguably, my fault: they presented me with a treatment plan while I was sitting in the chair last week and I scanned it and said "yeah, go ahead", without clocking the part where my dental insurance doesn't cover 90% of what they were doing. It's hard to focus on the fine print when you're actively sitting in the chair, but I should have known better. It is also my fault that I'm in this position: I didn't go to the dentist for several years, mostly out of the fear of a) finding out what was wrong with my teeth and b) having to pay for it. Because I finally mustered the courage to go and address my tooth pain I am learning all types of things, like the fact that my dental insurance doesn't cover the treatment I actually need, or that my dentist is out of network despite the fact that they told me they take my insurance, or most stunningly that anything over $1700 a year I have to pay out of pocket. I thought the point of medical insurance was mostly to help you not have to go bankrupt but I guess that's reversed if it's something wrong with your mouth.

I also have to remind myself that I am one of the lucky ones. At least my work actually gives me dental insurance, and I'm financially secure enough that the $1200 doesn't mean I can't make rent. Just have to deal with the shame of being a sucker and adjust my spending for the rest of the year accordingly. It could be so much worse. It could always be so much worse.

Do you ever watch the videos where people from England try to guess how much Americans pay for health care? Initially it's funny then it gets really depressing. There are people living in the same world as me who don't have to do this. So much of my life spent worrying about what will happen if I get sick. Trying to understand labyrinthine benefit explanations. Sitting on my mom's deathbed thinking about whether or not the insurance will cover it. Beating myself up about how if I were just better I would have been more prepared for this. How many hours of my life could have been spent on other things?