Mother's day
People talk a lot about milestones in the grieving process. The first month after someone dies, the first birthday you miss. I guess Mother's day is my first major one.
You don't really think about how losing someone can change your relationship to the calendar until it happens. The very existence of the holiday felt like a slap in the face this time. All these people rubbing the fact that their moms are still alive in my face.
Obviously this is not anyone's intent and I have no desire for people to be afraid to, like, enjoy the lives or celebrate their loved ones just because I'm bummed out. I assume this scab will continue to heal it's just pretty fresh right now and I don't really think I was ready to rip it off this time.
I have been doing a pretty good job of just going about my business and not thinking about it too much and this forced me to stop doing that. That is probably a good thing in the long run too but I still don't know how you're supposed to balance the infinite weight of loss with continuing to live your life. I am not even sure my body or mind are capable of feeling the full depth of it. She's gone, she's not coming back, and I have to keep going despite that. A lot of my ability to keep going is entirely dependent on compartmentalizing the pain. Letting myself feel it in small doses without draining the well and drowning myself. I've never been much for weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth but maybe I ought to try it out. Kinda doubt it would make anything any better though.
I guess the positive here is that I have a lot more understanding of why certain times of year are tough for people. My mom's birthday is in ten days. I can't imagine this is ever gonna be a great time of year for me going forward. But I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other 'til I get through it. Nothing else to be done about it.