The Joys of Undercommitting

I terminated the lease on my art studio today. I feel pretty sad about it: I'm very fond of the space and its people, I've made good friends and cool work there, and especially while I was working from home it was great for my mental health in a lot of ways. But once I started working hybrid it became a lot harder to make it in - on my work from home days I wanted to like, do laundry and dishes, not schlep half an hour there and back - and once my mom got sick it became functionally impossible. Since my mom ended up in the hospital I think I've been in twice. She's gone, but I have an in-office job, a wedding to plan, and a whole host of responsibilities like selling her house that I didn't expect to have to deal with.

The unfortunate thing about committing to a more balanced, healthier life is that I have to make sacrifices. It has been important to me for a while to be an artist, and having a studio felt like a key part of that. But does that really count if I never go there? Am I doing anyone any favors by being in a community that I no longer have time to participate in?

An ongoing theme of this year has been getting better, emotionally and mentally, at the expense of commitments that were stressing me out. I haven't felt terribly stressed about my studio, but I've certainly felt guilt in the back of my mind that I've been paying for something I no longer use. But the fact of the matter is that my practice as it stands right now is mostly writing, with the occasional code project - all stuff I tend to prefer doing at home.

This is a part of the ongoing realization that a lot of the ways I felt like I had to do things were ultimately just making me feel worse. If I'm putting pressure on myself to do something I enjoy, or forcing myself to do it when I'm overcommitted elsewhere, I stop enjoying it and I do a worse job. This is the last major commitment outside of work on my personal life to go, and I'm sad to say goodbye to it, but right now is not the right time. I'd love to have a studio again if I'm ever working from home full time, or (god forbid) in a position to focus entirely on my art practice, but there's no reason to keep one I'm not using. The friendships I've made and experiences I had there aren't going anywhere.

I think I am not abnormal in my general trouble letting go of things: believing that once I've made a commitment I should keep it no matter what. But the fact is that you change and circumstances change and letting things go is sometimes the best choice. The only thing I am committed to now is keeping the sense of peace I've been slowly finding and being creative in my own way and at my own pace. And I think that will pay off in the long run.