There are only so many hours in the day

I guess it only makes sense that you can't grieve all the time but that seems to make it worse when you remember that you're supposed to be grieving. It's pretty nice during the times when I can focus on something to not be thinking about it but then I remember that I can't call her anymore. Or that I'm supposed to be selling a house in a state I haven't lived in for fifteen years. When it comes crashing back in after a brief moment of peace it makes it feel that much heavier. Like everything weighs too much for me to even stand up.

I am doing alright all things considered or at least that's what I am trying to convince myself of. I am getting up and getting out of bed and writing things when I don't want to. Everyone tells me to give myself the time and space I need and I guess I'm trying to but I don't really know what that's supposed to look like. I can only really spend so much time sitting around feeling sad or trying to let myself feel things. Doing those things is good but I don't think my nervous system is capable of doing it for 24 hours a day. Maybe my capacity for sadness will increase if I keep it up long enough but I would prefer not to find out if resistance training for sorrow is a thing.

I had hoped that picking up daily writing again would get me thinking about other things but it appears that the griefposting will continue until morale improves. In my Roland Barthes era I guess.