griefposting - lesser daemon

13

May

Mother's day

People talk a lot about milestones in the grieving process. The first month after someone dies, the first birthday you miss. I guess Mother's day is my first major one.

You don't really think about how losing someone can change your relationship to the calendar until it happens. The very existence of the holiday felt like a slap in the face this time. All these people rubbing the fact that their moms are still alive in my face.

Obviously this is not anyone's intent and I have no desire for people to be afraid to, like, enjoy the lives or

1 min read

10

Apr

At least this time I have a good reason

Most of my earliest memories are of not being able to breathe. I had really severe asthma and had to use a dorky breathing device called a nebulizer for a couple of hours a day or I would have an asthma attack. Anytime I missed using the nebulizer or sometimes just because I was asleep I would have an attack and when I had an attack there was a solid chance I'd end up in the hospital. I actually ended up really liking the hospital. My mom was a health nut and we weren't allowed to watch TV so for

4 min read

26

Mar

There are only so many hours in the day

I guess it only makes sense that you can't grieve all the time but that seems to make it worse when you remember that you're supposed to be grieving. It's pretty nice during the times when I can focus on something to not be thinking about it but then I remember that I can't call her anymore. Or that I'm supposed to be selling a house in a state I haven't lived in for fifteen years. When it comes crashing back in after a brief moment of peace it makes it feel that much heavier. Like everything weighs too much

1 min read

21

Mar

I Don't Like Leaving Things Unfinished

Five weeks ago, when I found out my mom was in the hospital, I was exactly 25 days into the hundred days straight of writing I had committed to. Obviously I, uh, did not keep up with it after that.

I do not feel particularly bad about taking a break while I was dealing with this. I did a lot of journaling during this time and while it was valuable for me I don't know how much good it would do for my broader writing goals to post the equivalent of a primal scream on my public blog every day.

1 min read

20

Mar

I would prefer not to

I would like to imagine that a world where there is less paperwork is possible. I don't think that's asking for too much. Or maybe just where there's like. A number you can call to tell them someone died. And they do all the paperwork for you.

The promise of AI or LLMs or whatever new tech there is has always seemed to me to be built on faulty priors. They are a great way to automate this type of thing I guess but it all seems to assume that a world with this much paperwork is a necessity or

2 min read